Where to now?
So what do you do after you bare your imperfections, your underlying, humbling humanity, to the world?
What I mean is, if you’ve dropped a bomb like the one in my most recent entry, what do you write about after that? Can you really go back to writing about the mundane goings-on of your daily life, i.e. the day-to-day happenings of a twenty-three year old whose only real issue is that every day she takes a little pill that keeps the world from getting to her too much?
Basically, I’m at a complete loss as to where to go from here with this blog. I want to keep writing, I want to keep sharing my life with my friends and family. But honestly, at this point there’s not a lot to say.
I wish that there was some lengthy process that I could describe in detail and discuss in blog entries. I wish I could see the progress as things “get better.”
But I can’t really. I just feel better, and that’s it. It’s not like each day has gotten progressively better. The changes aren’t really that noticeable. When I sit down and think about it, the past month has been much less frustrating than the hundreds of months before it, but on a day-to-day basis I don’t really notice the change. I can’t quantify it. I can’t say “out of 24 hours in my day, 5 were good yesterday and 10 were good today” or “I cried 34 less tears today than I did yesterday.” It’s really not that noticeable most of the time.
Sure, every once in a while I’ll have a little epiphany, a moment that shows me just how far I’ve already come. Derek was going back and forth on whether he was going to have dinner with his friend John or join me and some of my girls for dinner. In the end, he made a snap decision to go have dinner with John. A little over a month ago, I would’ve gotten upset that he hadn’t made up his mind, that the decision was made so quickly, etc, etc. I probably would’ve started an argument about it. But when this happened, a couple of days ago, I felt slightly annoyed but in the end decided I didn’t really care. It wasn’t anything to get upset about. So he changed his mind at the last minute, big deal. It didn’t really affect anything, we just ended up with a bit too much fruit tart and too many olives for the three of us girls.
Things seem to be a little easier, and that’s about it. I didn’t wake up on day two of taking the pills and say, “I’M SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY!” But I’ve noticed that more things “roll off my back.” Things don’t get under my skin nearly as much. And that’s definitely a good thing.
So now what happens?
I’m lucky enough that the only major problem in my life was that I was too sensitive, a little too emotional and easily depressed. Now I’m addressing that, and it’s getting better, so I don’t really have any problems. I have very little to complain about. I can’t even really complain about my backaches anymore — the physical therapy/personal training is doing wonders.
So what do I write about? And who reads it?
It might sound a little weird, but when I started taking Lexapro I kind of thought that it would provide me with something to write about in this blog, something to chronicle as I went through it. But, I guess somewhat surprisingly, that hasn’t been the case. Instead, it’s been such a gradual, unnoticeable change…
Derek and I have been getting along a lot better lately too. We were never really fighting tooth and nail or anything, but there were some tense moments, and they seem to have disappeared. We’re very happy about this.
And we’ve started cleaning up our apartment a little. We cleaned out Sammie’s room the other day and unpacked a bunch of books that had been sitting in boxes since we moved in, and then we set up a table for me to work on my jewelry and stuff in there. Now I can hang out in there and work on my stuff for Etsy while spending time with Sammie, listening to music, etc. It’s wonderful.
Our bedroom is all cleaned up too, and the living room is on its way. I’ll have to post some photos or something when we get more finished.
It’s amazing what we can get accomplished now that I’m in a better mood most of the time.
Now if only I could get back into the habit of blogging more regularly…
