This year has gotten off to an exhausting start.
For starters, Derek is down in Los Angeles visiting his friends and his parents, so since about mid-day Saturday I’ve had to entertain myself. This is exceptionally hard to do when it’s rainy and grey and cold outside. I want to out and take photos, but they come out awful because there’s no sunlight to bring out the contrast and color.
Add to that the fact that I haven’t been sleeping well (in part due to his absence) and you have a very exhausted Jess.
I’ve been doing very well with my resolution to take more photos, as my Flickr photostream can attest. And, since you can see three blog entries within the past week, I think I’m doing pretty good with that resolution, too. Tomorrow is my first yoga class, which I’m hoping will go pretty well, and that takes my “good resolution” tally up to three of five.
It’s the other two that are difficult. You know the “being happy” and “cutting out negativity” ones.
The problem with being happy is that I feel like I haven’t quite settled into my place yet in San Francisco. I’ve got the routine down, I’m doing well at my job and everything, but I feel pretty isolated sometimes. In LA, for quite a while, I was working pretty hard at making myself get out of the house, spend time with friends, be independent and have a life outside of my apartment and my relationship (since those were my prison during my last relationship, honestly). Now, up here, I’m finding myself feeling very lonely. I have a few friends that I very much enjoy spending time with, but they live outside the city, and it takes them quite a bit of time and money to get into the city to hang out (and vice-versa). Even more, I feel awful if I ask them to come into the city too often. I’m going to yoga tomorrow and a photography meetup on Wednesday, so hopefully that will help a bit, but at the moment it’s definitely preventing me from truly being happy. I can go out on my own, sure – I went all around Market Street last Thursday taking photos, even – but it’s very lonely doing that, especially when the weather turns and I find myself sitting in a coffee shop with no one to share in my lament.
Cutting out negativity should be easier, since it’s all under my control for the most part… but I keep finding myself in situations that just make me feel frustrated. Take, for example, our downstairs neighbors. I expect neighbors to make some noise, it’s inevitable, especially in an old apartment building in the city. These neighbors, however, have very loud sex in the middle of the night, usually on nights when I have to wake up early and random weeknights, and for hours on end (literally 3-4 hours). The first couple times, we laughed it off. But then it happened several nights in a row, then again on a night when I had to get up early to go in to work early and then AGAIN on a night when I had to get up even earlier to catch a flight down to LA. I was furious, so I called the building manager, who sent them a letter telling them to keep it down. It hasn’t happened quite as loudly since then, but every once in a while I can still hear them, or they’ll get loud for a few minutes. Or one of them will talk very loudly on her cell phone, which she has on speaker. Or they’ll get high or drunk and giggle. Or they’ll leave their new puppy home alone and he’ll whine all day. It’s really annoying, and I don’t know how to escape it. If they are loud for more than 5-10 minutes, I knock on the floor, and they generally shut up, but I’m getting tired of having to deal with it at all. And if that weren’t enough to get me feeling pretty negative, I don’t know if we can afford to move anywhere better when our lease is up in April. And that just opens up a new can of worms.
Is it possible to cut out negativity when it’s literally coming up from beneath your feet? And is it possible to be happy when you’re lonely?