This year has gotten off to an exhausting start.
For starters, Derek is down in Los Angeles visiting his friends and his parents, so since about mid-day Saturday I’ve had to entertain myself. This is exceptionally hard to do when it’s rainy and grey and cold outside. I want to out and take photos, but they come out awful because there’s no sunlight to bring out the contrast and color.
Add to that the fact that I haven’t been sleeping well (in part due to his absence) and you have a very exhausted Jess.
I’ve been doing very well with my resolution to take more photos, as my Flickr photostream can attest. And, since you can see three blog entries within the past week, I think I’m doing pretty good with that resolution, too. Tomorrow is my first yoga class, which I’m hoping will go pretty well, and that takes my “good resolution” tally up to three of five.
It’s the other two that are difficult. You know the “being happy” and “cutting out negativity” ones.
The problem with being happy is that I feel like I haven’t quite settled into my place yet in San Francisco. I’ve got the routine down, I’m doing well at my job and everything, but I feel pretty isolated sometimes. In LA, for quite a while, I was working pretty hard at making myself get out of the house, spend time with friends, be independent and have a life outside of my apartment and my relationship (since those were my prison during my last relationship, honestly). Now, up here, I’m finding myself feeling very lonely. I have a few friends that I very much enjoy spending time with, but they live outside the city, and it takes them quite a bit of time and money to get into the city to hang out (and vice-versa). Even more, I feel awful if I ask them to come into the city too often. I’m going to yoga tomorrow and a photography meetup on Wednesday, so hopefully that will help a bit, but at the moment it’s definitely preventing me from truly being happy. I can go out on my own, sure – I went all around Market Street last Thursday taking photos, even – but it’s very lonely doing that, especially when the weather turns and I find myself sitting in a coffee shop with no one to share in my lament.
Cutting out negativity should be easier, since it’s all under my control for the most part… but I keep finding myself in situations that just make me feel frustrated. Take, for example, our downstairs neighbors. I expect neighbors to make some noise, it’s inevitable, especially in an old apartment building in the city. These neighbors, however, have very loud sex in the middle of the night, usually on nights when I have to wake up early and random weeknights, and for hours on end (literally 3-4 hours). The first couple times, we laughed it off. But then it happened several nights in a row, then again on a night when I had to get up early to go in to work early and then AGAIN on a night when I had to get up even earlier to catch a flight down to LA. I was furious, so I called the building manager, who sent them a letter telling them to keep it down. It hasn’t happened quite as loudly since then, but every once in a while I can still hear them, or they’ll get loud for a few minutes. Or one of them will talk very loudly on her cell phone, which she has on speaker. Or they’ll get high or drunk and giggle. Or they’ll leave their new puppy home alone and he’ll whine all day. It’s really annoying, and I don’t know how to escape it. If they are loud for more than 5-10 minutes, I knock on the floor, and they generally shut up, but I’m getting tired of having to deal with it at all. And if that weren’t enough to get me feeling pretty negative, I don’t know if we can afford to move anywhere better when our lease is up in April. And that just opens up a new can of worms.
Is it possible to cut out negativity when it’s literally coming up from beneath your feet? And is it possible to be happy when you’re lonely?
It’s funny because, as I was reading you post on being happy, you came off as pretty negative and perhaps even needy. Being able to entertain yourself is pretty much a must and how awesome is it that you have time to yourself? Not everyone has that. It must make picking things to do easier. And sipping coffee while you people watch can be a fun experience. Maybe taking a journal or laptop with you can help spice things up. I don’t know, I just LOVE my own company.
I can’t tell you what to do about the neighbors; however, I would personally knock on their door every time they are loud. This passive-aggressive BS won’t get you anywhere.
I don’t mind entertaining myself, and I’m very capable of it. Like I said, I did it every day since Thursday up until yesterday (since I had 4 days off and Derek was working and then gone), when a friend came in to hang out. The problem is, I’m entertaining myself constantly. I want to interact with other people. I want to talk and tell stories and listen to stories and share thoughts and philosophies and ideas.
And the whole point of the post is that it’s extremely hard for me to just “be” happy. I don’t like ONLY seeing Derek for weeks on end (other than my coworkers). I love him to death but I want my own life, and my own friends to spend time with, and I know he wants the same.
I fought so long to become an independent person with a life outside my boyfriend, after being codependent and desperately needy for three years in my last relationship. It’s frustrating to feel like I’m back at square one and only interacting with that one person day-to-day. It’s great that I can wander around the city, but I’m a social person, and I need someone to talk to.
As far as the neighbors, they’re cowards. I’ve knocked on their door several times when it’s happened and they won’t answer. So I had to go “passive-aggressive.”
I can’t see a reply link to you. I think that it’s hard to meet people after moving but you have so much planned in the near future that you probably will meet people and things will ease up. So maybe it will help to remind yourself that things will change in just a few days or what-have-you.
That sucks about the neighbor’s though. I would consider calling the cops then (for noise violations).
I don’t think you come off as needy, personally. Loneliness is loneliness. It’s so rough to make a new group of friends when you’re working full time and trying to make space for your boyfriend and hobbies. The short lame answer is, it’s frustrating now but soon enough your group will grow. And in the meantime, we internet people are real! ;)
It looks to me like you’re doing what you should be to build a second friend base.
As for the neighbors, all I can say is ugh. Other than putting down as many rugs as possible to help dampen the noise, there’s not much you can do until April! Except stomp around a lot in vengeance.
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Jess, we should hang out more. Because (1) I live in the city too and (2) also feel lonely frequently. I miss New York, I miss knowing a city like the back of my hand and having friends in every nook and cranny of it. I’m not very happy at my job (you’re so lucky in that respect) and that’s part of the reason I’ve been feeling lonely—I have no friends nor really anyone I wish to be friends with in a place I spend most of my time.
I know exactly how you feel about wanting your own life and your own friends apart from Derek—I want the same apart from Louie but it’s increasingly difficult when all my friends here are also his, and in most cases moreso his than mine. It doesn’t help that we’re in the same industry and enjoy all the same hobbies. :/ (The facts of which I kinda had a fight with him about tonight.)
On an related (to this blog post, not really this comment) note, you photograph well and your self-portraits are beautiful.
Keep chipping away at it. Make a point of going out at least once every 2 days for smething that isn’t work – even if it’s just to a local pub/restaurant/bar to have a glass of wine and people watch. You’re doing well – recognising that you’re lonely and want more friends and activities is the first step to getting more friends and activities. :)
Those damn downstairs neighbors. For shame. Try playing loud music to drown them out, and be stompy. Get yourself some heels and stomp around in the morning when they’re trying to sleep.
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