A life with love is happy,
A life for love is foolish.

Traditional Chinese characters; read top to bottom, right to left.
Beautifully tattooed by Man at My Tattoo in Alhambra, CA.
January 10, 2010

More info to come later. :)

Looking back on them is always an interesting experience. It’s kind of amazing to see how far I’ve come in the past four years, and fun to imagine what will change in the next year (hopefully good things!).

Anyway, without further babbling from me, here’s 2009 in review!

January – the month of friendships – Began to expand my social circle when Derek started working swing shift; found out about a few friends’ pregnancies; got U-Verse – actual television for the first time in like two years!; met up with my parents in Vegas
February – the month of reflection – Celebrated one year with Derek; got really into blogging pretty regularly; began thinking about the past and starting to grow from it.
March – the month of growing pains – Found out I was going to be an aunt; watched my younger sister start planning her wedding; started getting sick more often.
April – the month of missing you – Lost my great-grandmother; turned 23; continued to keep getting sick.
May – the month of admitting the problem – Realized my sicknesses were being caused mostly by psychological issues; began seeing a psychiatrist; pretty much hit rock bottom as far as being depressed and hating life. Not a good month.
June – the month of facing the problem – Started Lexapro for anxiety and depression; began biweekly therapy sessions with the psychiatrist.
July – the month of improving & looking ahead – Started feeling better for the first time in ages; began looking forward to the family vacation; Derek turned 29.
August – the month of family – Went to Florida with Derek and my family; met my little cousin, Alexis, for the first time; began to realize how much I love my grandmother and hope to be like her when I’m older; began to face some of the issues related to feeling out of place among my siblings.
September – the month of learning to live again – Started talk therapy with the psychiatrist; explored how I was living my life and what was important to me and Derek in our living situation; found out my ex was moving to China and tried to work out how I felt about it; met up with my parents and grandparents in Vegas.
October – the month of kiddies – especially RORY! – My niece, Lorelai, was born the day before my brother (her daddy) turned 28; decided to start volunteering at Kidspace; visited my friends in New York
November – the month of thankfulness – Withdrew from the online world a little to focus myself on life; spent a wonderful Thanksgiving with Derek and his family
December – the month of “home is where the heart is” – Stayed a week with my brother in Indiana; met Rory, finally, and fell in love – she’s the best niece ever!; visited my parents and grandparents; then came home to my Derek again… and my home.

Overall, this year was a lot less eventful than last year – that is for sure – but it was still a really important year. I dealt with a lot of things this year, a lot of very difficult things, even. But I’m already feeling so much stronger than this time last year, and I know I can only get stronger from here.

I’m looking forward to starting 2010. Farewell, 2009.

We love the Christmas tree this year. We had a few little mishaps – the trunk was too short for our tree stand, and then the bowl they put on the tree at the lot started leaking, so we had to make a quick fix – but it turned out really gorgeous. Derek loves it too. :) And it smells so good! Growing up, my parents didn’t really ever buy real Christmas trees, we always put up a fake one (until I moved out, then they started getting real ones, what the heck, mom?!). There’s really no comparison, though… The real one smells so good, and it looks so much better!

The lights are LED lights and kind of have a blue tint to them. On long exposures, with a white balance set to cut out the orange light coming in from the courtyard lamps, they look super blue. I kind of like it!

See? Orange lights! It looks like the courtyard is on fire or something.

This little guy was made by my good friend Christin last year. I like to think he’s protecting the tree. :)

I’m so happy to have my own little ornament collection. They’re mostly blue, green and silver – and last year I found these adorable snowmen ornaments at Target, which fit perfectly!

When we get flat cards or photos I like to put them on the tree. This one my grandma had printed and sent to us, it’s a great picture of us. :)

Here’s my fishie! I’m a huge marine biology nerd — Chrissy even made me a clownfish hat, I’ll have to get photos soon! — and so when I saw this little fishie I had to have him. My ex’s mom bought him for me at Saks Fifth Avenue in New York a few years ago. He’s still one of my favorites. :)

My mom gave me this Angel of Learning for my tree. I love how the light was shining on her in this photo.

And this one was from my friend Kelly. Along with our friend Sarah, we share a very special almost sisterly bond — that is best served with a nice pinot noir!

You may be wondering, with my professed Buddhist tendencies and lack of a strong religious sense, why do I have a Christmas tree? Well, in the next few days I have a big entry planned, in which I’ll talk all about what the holiday season means to me! Be on the lookout.

Until then, take care, stay warm and enjoy the holidays!

Unfortunately, since it’s getting dark so early (seriously, like 5pm, ick!), I haven’t been able to get any really good photos of our tree just yet, but I did manage to snap a couple with my iPhone to give everyone a little sneak preview!

Our tree! For those of you who remember what our apartment looks like from way back when I posted photos of it, we put the tree in front of our gorgeous little bay window. :)

And here are two of my favorite ornaments:

This little monster was lovingly made by my dear friend Christin, who happens to sell some of her beautiful handmade goodies on Etsy – Love California. He’s very fitting for our household, especially since Derek refers to me as a “little monster” on a pretty regular basis.

And this is my Fishie! I got him back in New York, I think at Macy’s on 5th Avenue? He was a gift from a friend, she offered to buy me one gorgeous ornament to get my tree started. And I chose Fishie! After all, I love fishies! :)

I love our tree. It’s smaller than last year’s (about 6 feet tall total, I think? maybe a little less) and it’s just cute. Plus it makes our apartment smell amazing, and curling up on the couch with a cup of tea, a blanket and the light from the tree is a wonderful way to unwind after a long day. Love it. :)

This weekend I’ll be able to get a few daytime shots, and maybe some really pretty night shots as well, and I’ll write up a little entry about what Christmas means to me. So be on the lookout for that goodness sometime this weekend! :)

While I realize that Twitter is practically a huge bucket of melodrama – everything seems to be exaggerated when compressed into 140 characters – quotes like the ones above (which are pretty much direct quotes from random people on Twitter) really frustrate me. And not just on Twitter; practically every day I hear someone lament how depressed they are or how they’re going to kill themselves or how they’re practically having an anxiety attack or how they’re suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder.

It’s just people exaggerating, Jess. What’s the problem?

Well, those are some pretty powerful phrases people are throwing around. Depression, suicidal thoughts/tendencies, anxiety and OCD are not really very light things to deal with, especially if you actually, truly deal with them.

When I get depressed, people don’t know about it. I don’t tell hardly anyone that I’m depressed. Why? Because, for me, depression is like a huge weight that’s laying on top of you. You can’t get out of bed. You can barely move. You ache all over and you feel like just sobbing because it’s crushing you. You don’t go to work. You can barely tell the people you love what’s wrong – and even if you do, you have no idea how to explain how it happened. It hurts to be depressed. And chances are you don’t talk about it openly on Twitter – or anywhere, for that matter. You don’t want everyone to know.

Anxiety is pretty similar. Usually I can function a little better when I’m just feeling anxious, but there have been a few times when I’ve gotten halfway to work, started to freak out and had to summon every ounce of strength in my body to not turn around and run — literally, run — home. Again, you feel like sobbing. You can feel the adrenaline gripping every muscle, and they start to ache from being tensed so hard. You can’t catch your breath very easily. It’s terrifying. And this time, you can’t tell anyone, because you’re so terrified that you can’t even speak.

And in both cases, you feel like a failure. You couldn’t get out of bed, so you just laid there and cried, and then you cry more because you just laid there and cried through the entire day. Something negative caught you off-guard at work and you had to excuse yourself and hide in the bathroom, and then you didn’t want to come out because you knew you’d just run away to hide.

And, while I’m not personally OCD nor do I have very acute obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and it’s been a very long time since I felt like I wanted to die, I know the feelings are similar. You can’t control it. You can’t easily get past it. You’re stuck in that moment, in that feeling, and it’s so hard to get out of it – but only you can do it, and you can only do it by focusing so hard on everything else — if that even works at all.

Especially if you’ve been going through some sort of treatment for your issues, when you relapse you feel ashamed. You don’t want to have those feelings anymore, so when, uncontrollably, you do, you feel like you’ve failed yourself. You feel hopeless – like it’s never really going to get better.

Mental illness is a disability – reasonable accommodations for psychiatric issues are protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act. And those of us who have to deal with it on a daily basis — and it really is pretty much a daily basis — know exactly how disabling it can be.

Sure, tiny little things can set it off, but generally the relapses/attacks/episodes/whatever you want to call them are literally disabling. A spelling mistake is not likely to make most people fly into a tizzy where they can’t think straight and nothing is right. It’s rare that someone commits suicide because of a game going into overtime. Anxiety attacks usually are triggered by something a little more gripping than the season finale cliffhanger. And, although there are exceptions, a missed phone call is not going to be the only reason one spirals into a depression.

So please, think before you speak…
It’s not that bad. Trust me.

Since I started taking it, I’ve been in a much better mood overall, of course. I don’t fall into my depressive, mopey states nearly as often and when I do it’s much easier to snap out of them.

That is, unless I’m sick.

It’s always been that when I’m sick I tend to get really grumpy and generally irritable, and in the past getting sick has even sparked some of my depressions. It’s just not fun; I’m uncomfortable, homebound, exhausted and just generally blah.

And, apparently, even Lexapro can’t help that much when I’m sick.

I missed two days of work last week and today is day two that I’ve missed this week. I check in every hour or so and my boss is very understanding, but it stresses me out not being there and having control or at least knowledge of what’s going on with my team.

I’m trying to stay positive and not let myself succumb, I’m telling myself that it’s just that I’m sick and stuck in the house getting stir crazy.

Does anyone else get like this when they’re sick? :\

On a lighter note: Thank goodness I have Derek. He made pasta for me for lunch and he keeps letting me sleep in even though it means missing lunch with him before he leaves for work. He even makes tea for me when he gets home from work, even though it’s after midnight and he’s tired. I have no idea what I’d do without him…

Anyway… Off to cook some rice, drink some tea and veg out in front of a Degrassi marathon (guilty pleasure woo).

Part of the reason is because I’ve been sick the past couple of days – a nasty little cold. It kind of sucks not being able to get out of the house very much.

But I feel like another part of the reason is just that I haven’t really done anything with my life in a little while. I’ve just been going through the motions – getting up, going to work, going home, going to bed, lather, rinse, repeat – with very little to break up the monotony. Not that our life is necessarily monotonous – we do things a little different every day, of course – but outside of work I find myself not really doing a whole lot.

The other day I heard about Disney’s announcement that in 2010 they’ll be offering free admission to one of their parks for anyone who volunteers for a day (of course, with a few restrictions/caveats) – they’re calling it “Give a Day, Get a Disney Day.” I signed up for more info and decided to check out HandsOn, the volunteering network that Disney teamed up with for the opportunities they’d accept for free admission.

While perusing some of the opportunities, checking out what HandsOn is all about and just piddling around while I waited for some tests to run at work, I ended up on the website for LA Works, a Los Angeles-based volunteer network. “Cool!” I thought. “I bet I can find some really close to Glendale.”

The more I looked through the opportunities, the more I found myself wanting to apply to them, especially the ones that had to do with being an outdoor educational guide at children’s museums, leading nature walks for kids or mentoring teenage girls. I love kids, and I love spending time with them and helping them learn new and fun things. And I love the outdoors, which several of the opportunities offered.

Suddenly I realized — this could help to solve my restlessness.

I mean, volunteering is a great way to get out of the house, and of course it’s a great way to help out the community. In high school, I volunteered for several years at the local hospital – I worked at the information desk and directed visitors to other parts of the hospital. While I longed to have more interaction with the patients, and especially the kids, in the hospital, I was happy just to be able to get out on the weekends and help out in the community. Volunteering with kids — especially in situations where I’d be teaching them about plants and animals — sounds a lot more stimulating and fun, and the good feelings I had when I volunteered at the hospital would naturally come along too, of course.

So I sent interest emails to a couple of opportunities, and recently heard back from both of them. One is volunteering for Kidspace, a children’s museum in Pasadena, where I’d be working as an educational guide in one of their garden learning spaces, and the other is for a nature walk program for families, where I’d be either helping keep the group together on the walks or, if I’m lucky, leading a walk myself. Either way, they both sound amazing.

I’m really excited. I have to email the nature walk program back for more information, and I’m scheduled to talk to one of the directors at Kidspace on Monday. I’ll keep you updated on what happens! :)

In my previous entry, I asked my beloved readers to ask me questions about anything, anything at all, for me to answer in an effort to break out of my writer’s block.

And of course, there were some lovely questions posed. I’m excited to answer them! So… let’s get started, shall we?

Erica was apparently in a very curious mood; she asked me a bunch of different questions!
First, she asked, “What food would you be happy to never eat again?”
And the answer is pickles (as in pickled cucumbers). I hate pickles – pretty much any kind, bread & butter, dill, whatever. I don’t even know the different types of pickles, I hate them so much. Ick. Blech. Yuck.

Next, she asks, “What does your bedroom look like?”
For this one, I got out my trusty camera and took some photos. Click on any of these little thumbnails to see a bigger version (some even have notes!):

She also wanted to know “What is in your purse?”
And I took another photo (again, click to see larger and lots of notes!):

And finally, “Do you have any guilty pleasure bands or TV shows?”
I don’t really have a lot of guilty pleasure music, but I do find myself listening to a bit of Outkast… specifically “Roses,” “The Way You Move” and “Hey Ya!” Aren’t those everyone’s guilty pleasures, though? I dare you to just try to listen to those songs and not dance your ass off.
As far as TV, there are a few more that I’m not exactly proud to admit I love. Wife Swap, Supernanny, 16 and Pregnant, Maury, Bridezillas… Oh, and Derek and I got totally hooked on Momma’s Boys back when it was on. Omfg, that show was so dramatastic. I loved it.

Then Sarah from OSN came along and wanted to know how I got into my current lifestyle. “What’s attracted you to your current lifestyle? When with your ex you seemed more… stifled? Now you seem more free, live more of a natural and organic life, etc.”
Well, she kind of hit it right on the nose with the mention of my ex. I’m not saying he was abusive or oppressive or anything, but I did find myself stifling some of my wants and needs a bit and sacrificing them for his. It’s not something I’m proud of myself for doing, but it wasn’t the first time it had happened. I’d been in a pattern where all I wanted to do was please whoever showed any interest in me, because for so long I didn’t really feel attractive or deserving, and wanted to obsessively hold on to whatever I could get. So somehow I convinced myself that meant giving up what was important to me for what was important to the other person.
I don’t really regret much of my life, but if I were to think of anything as regretful, I think my behavior and choices during that time period comes pretty close.

When I started my life with Derek, though, things changed quite a bit. I’m able to do a lot of things that I wanted to do but never did for fear of rocking the boat too much. Thanks to him being there for me and being supportive of me, as well as some much-needed therapy, I’m starting to gain a lot more confidence. This is a good thing.

Honestly, it also helps that Derek and I just see eye-to-eye on more issues, like money issues, eating organic/all-natural, health care, etc. We just have more compatible viewpoints and lifestyles. This is a very good thing.

Caity wrote: “I know you love your job, but if you had to switch professions suddenly, what other interesting careers might you pursue?”
If I could, I would open a tea store/tea house. Tea is one of my huge passions, and I love sharing it with people – I would love to have a place where people could come, hang out, try some amazing tea and relax. I’d also love to be able to travel to lots of other places to source the teas themselves – whether it’s just over to New Jersey to meet up with the people at Adagio or across the world to see tea harvested in a tea field in India. And of course, I’d try to rope in Derek as well – something tells me he wouldn’t fight it too much. ;)

Another Sarah, this one of sarahchristine.org, decided she would go against the grain and ask questions on Facebook. :P

QUESTION: Why are your titties so kicking rad?
I could say something about genetics or something, but the truth is my genetics decided that my kicking rad titties would be perfect… except for their size. Good things come in small packages? Uh, sure. Anyway, they were kicking rad, but not very noticeable. Luckily, though, Victoria’s Secret loves me, and made their Pink push-up bras just for me. Together, the push-upness and the kicking radness combine to make epic cleavage. Nature + nurture, bb.

QUESTION: Why is the sky blue?
Rayleigh scattering.

QUESTION: What is the average speed velocity of a swallow?
Laden or unladen? European or African? Foraging or traveling? :P

QUESTION: The best and worst movies you’ve ever seen?
Let’s narrow this down to the last year or two… I’ve seen a lot of movies. Best: Synecdoche, NY; 500 Days of Summer; Away We Go; Happy-Go-Lucky; Ponyo; Slumdog Millionaire. Worst/Most Overrated: Dark Knight; Funny People…

QUESTION: The best and worst books you’ve ever read.
Bah, another hard one… I know it’s a cop out, but let’s just leave it at this: I hate anything by James Joyce and the Great Gatsby. I love memoirs, some especially good ones have been Jesus Land by Julia Scheeres, Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls and Wild Swans by Jung Chang. I also loved Kate Chopin’s The Awakening. And I think Eat, Pray, Love is completely overrated and that the author is a self-absorbed twat. :D

So that’s why I’m going to call on you, my dear readers, and anyone else you want to send my way. Help me break through my writer’s block!

How can you help?

Well, that’s pretty easy, actually. You see, it’s a time-honored, ancient blogging tactic that tons of people have used throughout the centuries to break the block: Ask me some questions! I’ll happily answer them in a big, pretty blog post and link back to your blog when I do (yay free traffic!). Invite your friends, too! I don’t mind answering questions from perfect strangers! :)

I can’t really think of anything that’s off-limits in the realm of my answers, either, except maybe things that violate my privacy to an extent that I might be harmed (e.g. “what’s your address?” “can i have your credit card number?” etc). So, a little common sense is in order, but, other than that, pretty much anything goes.

So, ask away! :)