lianhua.nu | past

I’m insanely frustrated with myself right now.

I feel compelled to create things – write blog entries, take photographs, paint watercolors, design a new theme for this blog, work on my short stories/novella – but I don’t ever seem to actually get around to doing any of it. I just feel so stalled right now.

I even signed up for the 31 Days to Build a Better Blog tips and tricks, which are emailed to me daily. And, being the curious and impatient person that I am, I found the blog of someone who had already done them, read through the tasks and promptly decided that I didn’t want to do any of them, save the first two I’d already done. I don’t want to be an out of the box, obnoxious blogger that’s always pushing something. No offense to anyone who is doing it intended, but I feel that in my particular case I’d end up being obnoxious.

I want people to read this because they want to, not because I talk about it incessantly. My blog is not my life. At all.

And maybe that’s the problem, really. I can’t blame unhappiness for not blogging right now. I’m exceptionally happy, practically elated. I love my life right now (other than this small frustrating part of it). But along with this new life came new responsibilities at work, a new 30 minute commute and, well, a new city.

This city is so gorgeous, too. I feel like, every day, I’m surrounded by beauty. Practically bombarded by it. But do I ever have a camera? Of course not.

Anyway, back to the whole blogging thing. I signed up for that service, and I liked the first two tasks. The first was to create an “elevator pitch” for my blog – basically a brief description of what people can find on the blog, in a way that makes them want to come read it. So, with Sarah‘s help, I did it:

Lianhua (Mandarin for ‘lotus flower’) follows my quest to live life without wanting, anger or gluten… which is not always easy, even in a health- and philosophy-conscious place like San Francisco. Every day, I try to live by three principles: “do not harm the world,” “do not harm yourself” and “enjoy life as it is.” Lianhua is where I share my ups and downs, triumphs and frustrations, little bits of wisdom and the occasional chinchilla photo…

And in writing it, I decided on those three principles as guidelines for my daily life. They fit all of the things that are important to me – being eco-friendly, eating good food (organic, all natural, unprocessed as much as possible), following my gluten-free diet, being a better Buddhist, enjoying this wonderful city and my wonderful job and my wonderful friends and my beyond-wonderful boyfriend – and which, of course, are going to show up in this blog quite often.

I’m going to be canceling the whole 31 Days blog thing. It’s just not me. I should have known it from the beginning. The only thing that’s going to make this blog what I want it to be is actual blogging. Maybe not daily, but at least regularly. That’s the problem I have to solve.

Forgive me, I’m rambling and all over the place right now.

I’m setting a goal, right now, 11:55pm (geez I have to go to bed), that I will make my blog a better blog through hard work, determination and actually f***ing blogging. I’m going to take photographs. I’m going to paint watercolors. I’m going to write stories and novels. I’m going to redesign this blog. And then I’m going to share all of that with the world. That is my goal.

And this is directed more at myself than my readers: Expect big things soon.

Earlier today, my good friend Sarah at OSN posted a blog entry about the last decade and how its changes, for her, have made her fear change. She posted a timeline of some of these changes and it made me think about how things have changed for me in the past ten years.

Granted, I was fourteen at the start of this decade, so some changes – leaving high school for college, for example – are expected, but I think that, in general, some of my changes have been even more jarring than normal.

• 2000: Started making my own “websites” for fun, and first was introduced to the vaaast world of the Internet (as of the year 2000, that is). Ended middle school (spring) and entered high school (fall). My older brother graduated from high school and went off to college.
• 2001: 9/11 happened during my ISTEP/GQE testing. A drive-by shooting in our Indianapolis neighborhood prompted my parents to start looking for a new house (I think this was in 2001, it may have been 2000?). In the fall, we moved to Greenfield, IN, which seemed a world away from what I was used to in the “big city.” I met and started dating my first long-term boyfriend, Greg, who was a year ahead of me in school (at this time a junior to my sophomore).
• 2002: Actually transferred to Greenfield schools, a huge culture-shock for me. Dropped from the top 10 in my class (Indy) to approximately #30 (Greenfield), due to a clerical/translation error on my transcript, and lost my place in the National Honor Society because of it. Stopped playing viola after a bad music class (and because of lack of an orchestra at my new school) and shifted my future career focus to journalism, as part of my high school’s newspaper staff. Decided that I was going to follow Greg to Franklin College in Indiana and study journalism there.
• 2003: During his preparation and orientation for college, Greg met a girl and decided to end our relationship (he eventually ended up marrying her). I “rebounded” fairly quickly and started dating my second “serious” boyfriend, Eric. Decided that I definitely was NOT going to go to Franklin College and began looking at other colleges around the state. On a whim, sent my SAT results to Sarah Lawrence College in New York.
• 2004: Got a letter from Sarah Lawrence inviting me to apply (didn’t realize it was a form letter), so I did. Was accepted to Sarah Lawrence, Butler University, Ball State University, Indiana University and Indiana State University (and maybe a couple I can’t remember), and decided on Sarah Lawrence. Began to have anxiety and depression issues, which started to affect my last semester of high school and resulted in several broken friendships and the end of my relationship with Eric (two days before graduation). Got my lotus tattoo.



• 2004 cont’d: Moved to New York. Started a work-study job, at first monitoring computer labs but eventually creating websites for faculty at the college. Dated a few guys, and eventually met Sean, who bought me a ticket to Los Angeles over winter break.
• 2005: After spending four days in LA, fell in love with the city and decided to start dating Sean. Moved in with him over the summer and got two kittens, Toby and Oscar. Went to China – my first trip out of the country – and decided to learn Chinese at some point. Began Italian classes. Decided to become a translator and writer.



• 2006: Began having health issues – high blood pressure, unexplained pains in my knees, seborrheic dermatitis on my scalp – as well as mental health issues. Spent the summer in LA, working at a garden center.
• 2007: Got Frankie and Sammie, my two little chinchillas (at separate times). Ended my last semester at Sarah Lawrence, and began taking classes at SUNY Purchase – mostly to learn Chinese. At the end of my first semester there, Sean’s mom and stepdad asked if we could move to LA to care for Sean’s sister, and we decided to go ahead with it.
• 2008: My paternal grandmother passed away. Sean drove across the country to LA with Frankie and Sammie, while I had already been there for a month. Within a few days, we were seeing a couples therapist and, within a few weeks, he ended our relationship, but his mother asked me to continue helping to care for Sean’s sister. I went to Vancouver twice with Sean’s sister to take her to visit her mom. Sean took the chinchillas to a lady in Vancouver. Sammie killed Frankie. Sean decided to give the cats away. I have no idea what happened to them. I walked in SLC’s commencement ceremonies despite not being quite done with my classes. Stressful situations caused me to drop my last classes a week or two later. I got a job at Yellowpages.com. Derek and I moved from Hollywood to Glendale.
• 2009: My maternal great-grandmother passed away. My niece, Rory, was born. I started seeing a therapist for my anxiety and depression, and started taking Lexapro and then Prozac. I became less and less happy with my job, and acted out by being in the office as little as possible and working form home as much as I could.
• 2010 (so far): Got my second tattoo (Chinese proverb). Applied to, was offered and accepted a job in San Francisco for a small startup company. Derek and I moved to San Francisco. I found out a few weeks later that I am gluten intolerant/possibly celiac.

It really is crazy how much can change in 10 years. I mean, in 2000 if you’d asked me where I would be in 2010 I never would have dreamed of saying San Francisco, and I never would have thought I’d be designing for the web and living with a wonderful man like Derek. And I certainly wouldn’t have even considered the fact that I’d have a food intolerance to deal with, or that I’d be sitting in a studio apartment discussing the true nature of Whole Foods’ “free range” meats and eggs with Derek on a Sunday afternoon…

Change, though, is as natural (and necessary) to life as breathing. The entire world – even the entire universe – has been built by change, it’s the only constant thing in our lives. Sure, it’s overwhelming sometimes, but change shapes us into who we are and will make us who we are in the future. Scientifically, humans are made up of 70% water, but I think our lives are made up of 100% change. (cheeseball :B)

It can be practically anxiety-attack inducing, knowing that change is coming and trying to prepare yourself for it. The only reason I got any sleep at all our first night in San Francisco was because I was physically exhausted – my mind was racing until the moment my body gave out on it – but now that I can look back and see how much things have changed for the better, I’m so thankful for the mutability and transforming nature of life.

Don’t fear change. Allow it to give you those exhilarating and sometimes anxious feelings, and don’t be hesitant to grab life by the reins and change it yourself, of course. Don’t be afraid.